Scammers Are Hilarious

Remember, these hit-man e-mails are scams. My funny comments are in()'s

YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED

(Yes. It's called a calendar.)

As I sit here sipping a martini it is my regretful duty to inform you that you have been selected for assassination.

(Great, a drunken killer.)


I am a professional assassin (I enclose my certificate of assassination as proof)

(OK, now assassins get certified? Seems that would make it easier to track them down. Perhaps he graduated Magnum cum laude?)

and SMERSH

(Huh? Am I being threatned by Pinky from Pink & The Brain now?)

have contracted me to assassinate you and have specifically paid extra for a particularly nasty death

(I'm honored)

which makes it look like you died in a particularly bizarre sex game gone wrong;

(LOL. You're killing me with abusrdity. OK, would a bizzare sex game gone wrong actually be considered nasty?)

I had already bought the shire horse stallion (he's called Henry - picture attached), the lard and the
dragon dildo

(So, death by Hobbit?)

[from Bad Dragon of course, I only use the very best tools]

(Of course. Chintzy assassins are so 2002. And really, this is a sex game?)

when I found out that you are innocent of the accuse, so I make out this time

(Um, I don't swing that way, dude)

to contact you. Unfortunately international crime syndicates

(Seriously? I'm being "targetted" by an international crime syndicate? Plausability not your thing, eh?)

won't admit to mistakes and cancel the hit so I will be forced to carry out the assassination on you. Sorry about that old chap but rules are rules.

(Apparently we're English, old bean.)

There is an option for me to help you

(So, the rules allow for this then?)

in other for you to know who had paid SMERSH

(Oh, that's their acronym. I don't get COBRA, SPECTOR, or FOWL, I get SMERSH. Is their leader Professor Inferiority? Let me guess. SMERSH - Stupid Moronic Exhasberating Retarded Stupid Heads? Yes, using retarded is wrong.)

for your DEATH

(Wait. Somebody paid SMERSH to hire you to kill me? Complicated, no? And Death needs emphasing?)

and don't forget my men had been monitoring you for the past few days

(D'OH! I did forget.)

and daily record of your activities is been sent to me but I have refuse to order your DEATH.

(So, what exactly are these rules, anyway? You have to carry out the kill, yet you won't.)



Get back to me if you value your LIFE with all due speed

(Actually, I value it quite slowly. Lasts longer that way.)

or else I regret I will have to carry out my original contract to assassinate you

(Which you previosuly said you have to do anyway, making this all quite useless.)

and although he is quite charming for a horse I don't think Henry is the most sensitive of lovers.

(Experience much?)


Toodle Pip!

(It's toodles, idiot.)

Dai Teatime

International Assassin

(Yes, all killers clearly label their e-mail corresponences as such.)