Let Us Go: My Doctor Who Parody Of Frozen's Let It Go

The sun smiles down upon the Earth. Not a Time Lord to be seen. A self imposed isolation, for I'm the last of my kind. The Daleks are howling because I'm a swirling storm to them. Couldn't disguise my TARDIS any differently, Heaven knows I tried.

Come on in, come on and see, it's bigger on the inside for you and me. A blue box is what we all see. They weren't supposed to know, but now everybody knows.

Let us go, let us go. Can't hold it off anymore. Let us go, let us go. Run inside and slam the door. It's time for us to save the day. Let our enemies rage on. I'm ready for an adventure any day.

It's funny how having companions, keeps me from feeling lonely anymore. Rose, Martha, Donna, all the Ponds, and Clara. I miss you one and all!

Protecting the universe is what I do. Waiting until the last minute to come through. Doing what's right, occasionally what's wrong, there are rules with me. Don't you see?

Let us go, let us go. I am one with the Eye Of Time. Let us go, let us go. Across time and space we'll fly. In my TARDIS, I'll arrive to save the day. Let our enemies rage on.

My sonic screwdriver does all these amazing things. I can escape from just about anything. And one thought crystalizes when we hit the time stream. We're going far into the future or further back into the past.

Let us go, let us go. And I'll regenerate upon death. Let us go, let us go. All the past Doctors are quite gone. I'm a new version, but in someways still the same. Let our enemies rage on. I'm ready for an adventure any day.

We'll Hide In A Polysulfide Cloud

This love song has been inspired from this issue of the web comic Drive: http://www.drivecomic.com/archive/150306.html If you don't read it (and you should), some references won't make sense.

We'll Hide In A Polysulfide Cloud

When the Vinn attack, and all hope seems lost, there is but one thing we two can do. Our only hope, our only salvation, our only way to survive.

It's our only chance of being together. We'll survive the onslaught, arm in arm. Lips locked as one, our bodies entwined. Our love shall grow, our shouts of joy shall be loud. We'll hide in a polysulfide cloud.

The Continuum will strike. But we won't be found. We'll start a new La Familia ourselves. You'll be Eve. I'll be your Adam. Our love shall be everlasting.

It's our only chance of being together. We'll survive the onslaught, arm in arm. Lips locked as one, our bodies entwined. Our love shall grow, our shouts of joy shall be loud. We'll hide in a polysulfide cloud.

So come with me. Our escape is nigh. To our old lives we'll just say goodbye. We don't need Skitter to find our way to each other's hearts. We must do what is right, we must do what is smart. There is only but one option for us.

It's our only chance of being together. We'll survive the onslaught, arm in arm. Lips locked as one, our bodies entwined. Our love shall grow, our shouts of joy shall be loud. We'll hide in a polysulfide cloud.

(Music riff)

It's our only chance of being together. We'll survive the onslaught, arm in arm. Lips locked as one, our bodies entwined. Our love shall grow, our shouts of joy shall be loud. We'll hide in a polysulfide cloud.

(Music riff)

Now we are here. Both safe and sound. Our new lives start right now. Though the war rages outside, we are far from the horror. Nobody will think to check inside. Love is our fruit, passion our meat. Caring and compassion, our water. Now and forever, we live but as one. Our love shall never be done.

It's our only chance of being together. We'll survive the onslaught, arm in arm. Lips locked as one, our bodies entwined. Our love shall grow, our shouts of joy shall be loud. We'll hide in a polysulfide cloud.

We'll hide in a polysulfide cloud.

We'll hide in a polysulfide cloud.

I'm The Doctor: My Doctor Who Parody Of Taylor Swift's Shake It Off

I always regenerate

Got no time to explain

That's what people say, mmm-mmm

That's what people say, mmm-mmm

I take on too many companions,

But I can't make 'em stay

At least that's what people say, mmm-mmm

That's what people say, mmm-mmm

But I keep space/time cruising

Can't stop, won't stop moving

It's like I got the Eye of Time

In my mind

Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

'Cause the Daleks gonna exterminate-ate-ate-ate-ate

And the Cybermen gonna upgrade-grade-grade-grade-grade

But I'm just The Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

Weeping Angels gonna send you back, back, back, back, back

And the evil aliens gonna attack-tack-tack-tack-tack

But I'm just The Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I have two heart beats

I'm like fish finger and custard treats

And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm

that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm

I'm sometimes traveling on my own (traveling on my own)

I pick up companions as I go (companions as I go)

And that's what they all know, mmm-mmm

that's what they all know, mmm-mmm

But I keep space/time cruising

Can't stop, won't stop moving

It's like I got the Eye of Time

In my mind

Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

'Cause the Daleks gonna exterminate-ate-ate-ate-ate

And the Cybermen gonna upgrade-grade-grade-grade-grade

But I'm just The Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

Weeping Angels gonna send you back, back, back, back, back

And the evil aliens gonna attack-tack-tack-tack-tack

But I'm just The Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I have two heart beats

I'm like fish finger and custard treats

And that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm

that's what they don't see, mmm-mmm

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

Hey, hey, hey

Just think while you've been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats of the universe,

You could've been getting down with the man with two heart beats.

My new companion brought her very best friend

She's like "Oh, my god!" but I'm just The Doctor.

I'm the fella who's quite wry, with the cool bow tie

Won't you come with me, baby? I'm The Doctor, Doctor, Doctor

Yeah ohhh

'Cause the Daleks gonna exterminate-ate-ate-ate-ate

And the Cybermen gonna upgrade-grade-grade-grade-grade

But I'm just The Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

Weeping Angels gonna send you back, back, back, back, back

And the evil aliens gonna attack-tack-tack-tack-tack

But I'm just The Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor (Let's go)

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor,

I, I, I'm The Doctor, I'm The Doctor

Fairytales Are Bad

I'll never understand why girls love fairy tales so much. Look at what happens: 1) Red Riding Hood Is such a twit, she can't tell the difference between a male wolf and her grandma, because the wolf was wearing her granny's clothes. 2) Beauty is basically sold into slavery to the Beast by her dad. 3) Cinderella is a slave in her own house. Then marries a guy who just stalked her across his whole kingdom, after falling madly in love with her after just once dance. 4) Goldilocks breaks and enters. OK, she enters and breaks things. Steals food, and goes to sleep in someobody else's bed, because apparently she thinks she's in a hotel. 5) Snow White. Where to begin. First, she's 12. And a Hottie McHotHot judging by a mirror. Her own Step-Mom, a grown woman, tries to kill her because she's jealous of how hot Snow White is. Snow White then moves in with 7 adult men, trading maid service for room and board. She is technically killed 3 times, because she can't grasp the simple concept of not opening the door to strangers (and probably can't tell the difference between humans and animals in said human clothes). Then Dwarves put her on display, because once again, she is just so hot. And 12. Finally, she marries a guy who literally makes out with hot corpses he finds in the woods. Think about it. Prince Charming is traveling through the woods, when he sees the dead body of a 12 year old girl on display (undoubtedly buying a ticket since you know the Dwarves were hoping to turn a profit on the world's hottest tween). Upon seeing this child, who is the"fairest of them all", he has a sudden, overwhelming urge to kiss her. A dead ,12 year old girl, mind you. A dead 12 year old girl who is just so hot you simply must kiss her cold dead lips. Then she "magically"wakes up from death. In other words, Snow White's a Zombie. A hot, 12 year old Zombie. The Charmings then place the Evil Queen in red hot iron boots, and force her to dance to death. Yes, these people believe in torture and capitol punishment, sans trial. And you thought Regina George was hot and mean? Try pissing off the world's hottest kid.

Upgrade You

My Latest Song:

We've been having some fun. But now being with you is becoming a chore. You're not how I thought you were. You're good but I need great. You have potential, yes it's true. I need more, what am I to do? Looks like I'm going to have to upgrade you to version two.

I need to upgrade you. Make you better, make you loving, make you everything I need. I need to upgrade you.

I'll teach you how to act, how to behave. Teach you to be everything I want you to be. Yes it seems cruel, but you'll be better and I'll still love you. Please let me upgrade you to version two.

I need to upgrade you. Make you better, make you loving, make you everything I need. I need to upgrade you.

Your jokes are a joke. You're such a bore. You fall asleep on me, and yes you even snore. You're late, you flake, you can't clean or bake. Baby, I want to love you like I did before. But as you are now, is making me sore. But I know what to do. Please let me upgrade you to version two.

I need to upgrade you. Make you better, make you loving, make you everything I need. I need to upgrade you.

(Musical interlude)

OO OO OO OO. OO OO OO OO.

(Musical interlude)

Don't get me wrong. I really do love you. I just think you can be better. I want you version number two.

(Musical interlude)

OO OO OO OO. OO OO OO OO.

(Musical interlude)

Yes I admit it. There are still things I'm wild and crazy for. Things I'd never want to change. Never want you to lose.

Your fashion sense is fine. Your shoes are devine. You still love me. Still want us to be a we. You're there for me, whenever I need you. Bring me soup when I'm sick, cheer me up when I'm blue. It's clear you really love me. I know that you do. Wait a minute, why did I ever want to upgrade you? Version one's not so buggy. Who cares about version number two?

So I guess I don't need to upgrade you. Not make you better, make you loving, make you everything I need. I don't need to upgrade you.

Pretty Little Liars Song Parodies

You Don't Know That Bitch Can See:

(One Direction's You Don't Know You're Beautiful)

You hold open the door, don't know what for. It's not like Jenna's blind anymore. Don't need a cane to walk, can hear when you talk. She sees everything you do.

I know that you really can't tell it. But please trust me. Liars, Jenna can see the world just like she used to. The way she hides behind her sunglasses is something else. But when she smiles it's because she's got you fooled. You don't know. Oh oh. You don't know that Bitch can see. If only you knew that she could see. You'd understand why I'm acting so desparately. Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe. You don't know. Oh oh. You don't know that Bitch can see. Oh oh. That Bitch can actually see.

So c-come on. No need to whine. To prove I'm right I'll put up a sign. Don't buy her lie, the operation turned out fine, she can see everything with her eye eye eyes.

I know that you really can't tell it. But please trust me. Liars, Jenna can see the world just like she used to. The way she hides behind her sunglasses is something else. But when she smiles it's because she's got you fooled. You don't know. Oh oh. You don't know that Bitch can see. If only you knew that she could see. You'd understand why I'm acting so desparately. Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe. You don't know. Oh oh. You don't know that Bitch can see. Oh oh. That Bitch can actually see.

Na na na na na na na na na na. Na na na na na na. Na na na na na na na na na na. Na na na na na na.

Lairs, Jenna can see the world just like she used to. The way she hides behind her sunglasses is something else. But when she smiles it's because she's got you fooled. You don't know. Oh oh. You don't know that Bitch can see.

Liars, Jenna can see the world just like she used to. The way she hides behind her sunglasses is something else. But when she smiles it's because she's got you fooled. You don't know. Oh oh. You don't know that Bitch can see.

Oh, If only you knew that she could see. You'd understand why I'm acting so desparately. Desparately. Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe. You don't know. Oh oh. You don't know that Bitch can see. Oh oh. You don't know that Bitch can see. Oh oh. That Bitch can actually see.

A Team:

(Ed Sheeran's A Team)

Black hoodie, Jungle Red lipstick. Breathing in shadows. Burnt lungs, sour taste. Night's gone, day's end. Struggling to hold onto that friendship. Long nights, strange lair.

And they say she's in the A Team. Stuck in her daydream. Been this way since 16. Slowly sinking, wasting. Crumbling like pastries. And they scream The worst things in life come free to us. Cos we're just under the upper hand. Go mad for a couple minutes attention. And she wants to go outside tonight. And in a secret she flies to the Motherland. Or brings hate to another friend. It's too cold inside. For texts to fly. Texts to fly.

Black gloves, and hoodie. Tried to swim, stay afloat. Sneak into a house, snoop around. Steals secrets, uncover lies. Weary-eyed, dry throat. Call Hanna, no phone.

And they say she's in the A Team. Stuck in her daydream. Been this way since 16. Slowly sinking, wasting. Crumbling like pastries. And they scream The worst things in life come free to us. Cos we're just under the upper hand. Go mad for a couple minutes attention. And she wants to go outside tonight. And in a secret she flies to the Motherland. Or brings hate to another friend. It's too cold inside. For texts to fly. Texts to fly.

Covered in black, closed eyes. And hoping for a better life This time, we'll fade out tonight. Straight down the line.

And they say she's in the A Team. Stuck in her daydream. Been this way since 16. Slowly sinking, wasting. Crumbling like pastries. And they scream The worst things in life come free to us. Cos we're just under the upper hand. Go mad for a couple minutes attention. And she wants to go outside tonight. And in a secret she flies to the Motherland. Or brings hate to another friend. It's too cold inside. For texts to fly. Texts to fly. To fly, fly. Texts to fly, To fly, to fly. For the revived friendships to die.

bible Does Not Forbid Gay Marriage

Leviticus 18:22 says Thou shalt not lie with a male as one does with a woman. It's an abomination. What it doesn't say it is not for two men to have sex. That's not god's word. That's MAN's interpretation. Lie can mean not to bear false witness. If sitcoms are any measure, men always lie to women. But hey, don't lie to other men (politicians, I'm looking at you.) Lie can mean as in a prone position. So, two dudes can't sleep in the same bed. But sex is still on the table. Literally. Just don't be horizontal, all missionary style. lesbians are fine,a s long as they don't lie with men like they lie with each other. See? None of Leviticus 18:22 says no to gay marriage. One could argue against sex in the marriage, but only for two guys (Lesbians are cool). But as long as it's behind closed doors, you don't know it's happening. So, it's not affecting you (god can complain all he wants to). Not your call to make. What is your call is how to misunderstand god's word. And your views can be quite wrong, and a lie (nontruth).

Future Scam

Received this today, Feb 22, 2012 at 4:30PM:

Dear Customer,

Your order has been successfully canceled. For your reference, here's a summary of your order:

You just canceled order 122-669-625 placed on February 23, 2012.

Status: CANCELED

_____________________________________________________________________

1 "Empress"; 2004, Special Edition
By: Una Campbel

Sold by: Amazon.com LLC

_____________________________________________________________________

Thank you for visiting Amazon.com!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Amazon.com
Earth's Biggest Selection
http://www.amazon.com

As you can see, it time traveled back in time to today.

Scammers Are Hilarious

Remember, these hit-man e-mails are scams. My funny comments are in()'s

YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED

(Yes. It's called a calendar.)

As I sit here sipping a martini it is my regretful duty to inform you that you have been selected for assassination.

(Great, a drunken killer.)


I am a professional assassin (I enclose my certificate of assassination as proof)

(OK, now assassins get certified? Seems that would make it easier to track them down. Perhaps he graduated Magnum cum laude?)

and SMERSH

(Huh? Am I being threatned by Pinky from Pink & The Brain now?)

have contracted me to assassinate you and have specifically paid extra for a particularly nasty death

(I'm honored)

which makes it look like you died in a particularly bizarre sex game gone wrong;

(LOL. You're killing me with abusrdity. OK, would a bizzare sex game gone wrong actually be considered nasty?)

I had already bought the shire horse stallion (he's called Henry - picture attached), the lard and the
dragon dildo

(So, death by Hobbit?)

[from Bad Dragon of course, I only use the very best tools]

(Of course. Chintzy assassins are so 2002. And really, this is a sex game?)

when I found out that you are innocent of the accuse, so I make out this time

(Um, I don't swing that way, dude)

to contact you. Unfortunately international crime syndicates

(Seriously? I'm being "targetted" by an international crime syndicate? Plausability not your thing, eh?)

won't admit to mistakes and cancel the hit so I will be forced to carry out the assassination on you. Sorry about that old chap but rules are rules.

(Apparently we're English, old bean.)

There is an option for me to help you

(So, the rules allow for this then?)

in other for you to know who had paid SMERSH

(Oh, that's their acronym. I don't get COBRA, SPECTOR, or FOWL, I get SMERSH. Is their leader Professor Inferiority? Let me guess. SMERSH - Stupid Moronic Exhasberating Retarded Stupid Heads? Yes, using retarded is wrong.)

for your DEATH

(Wait. Somebody paid SMERSH to hire you to kill me? Complicated, no? And Death needs emphasing?)

and don't forget my men had been monitoring you for the past few days

(D'OH! I did forget.)

and daily record of your activities is been sent to me but I have refuse to order your DEATH.

(So, what exactly are these rules, anyway? You have to carry out the kill, yet you won't.)



Get back to me if you value your LIFE with all due speed

(Actually, I value it quite slowly. Lasts longer that way.)

or else I regret I will have to carry out my original contract to assassinate you

(Which you previosuly said you have to do anyway, making this all quite useless.)

and although he is quite charming for a horse I don't think Henry is the most sensitive of lovers.

(Experience much?)


Toodle Pip!

(It's toodles, idiot.)

Dai Teatime

International Assassin

(Yes, all killers clearly label their e-mail corresponences as such.)

Keep On Dreaming

A song I wrote as a theme song. No music, only lyrics:
Keep your head in the clouds, reach for your star, no matter who you are.
Dream it real big, ignore your doubts, pay them no heed, and you will succeed.
Keep on dreaming. Keep on achieving. If you dream it you will achieve it. Just don't be afraid to try.
Make a plan, follow through, you'll know what to do.
Get some help where you can, teamwork fulfills your plan, just go for it.
Keep on dreaming. Keep on achieving. If you dream it you will achieve it. Just don't be afraid to try.
So what if you fail, no need to wail. Change it up and try again. You can achieve your plan.
You have to work hard, yes you do, but then you'll see when your through, your dreams will come true.
Keep on dreaming. Keep on achieving. If you dream it you will achieve it. Just don't be afraid to try.
If you try you will fly, oh so high, there's no boundaries in the sky.
Push all doubt from your mind, you won't fall behind. Just believe and you will achieve.
Keep on dreaming. Keep on achieving. If you dream it you will achieve it. Just don't be afraid to try.

Problems With Giving Up Meat

Think giving up meat to be a vegetarian or vegan is a good idea? Think again. Besides the fact eating plants is also killing life, let's look at things logically. Say everybody stops eating meat. What happens to those meaty animals? People raise cows and chickens for both food and milk and eggs. Pigs are raised only for food. yes, there's the occasional pet, but not enough. Now, what do you suppose farmers will do with all these excess animals? Sure, they'll use more cows and chickens for milk and eggs. Lower them prices big time. But there'll still be way more cows and chickens than needed. Pigs have no other use. Maybe a few hundred more will be pets. Maybe. Caring for these animals cost money. Food, water, shelter, veterinarian bills. Do you think farmers will spend all that money with no chance of a return on investment? Nope. They'll kill the excess animals. Giving up meat kills more animals, and renders pigs all but extinct. If not extinct, because few pet owners will turn to breeding pigs.

Now, for you god lovers out there, remember he made us omnivorous. That means it's blasphemy not to eat meat as intended. You're literally telling god he was wrong to make us eat meat, to want us to eat meat. How do you think he'll take that?

Another Sign Of The End Times

A lake in Texas turned blood rd. Sure, it's caused by bacteria, but can it be another sign?

Yes. People just made a mistake in assuming all signs would be big miracles performed by god. But, did he specifically say the sings would be clear miracles? Or did he just say what to watch out for?

Yes, we have more earthquakes. Not because god is magically shaking the Earth. No, it's because for the first time ever, humans live in very earthquake prone areas. Lots of them. Which is why we see more incidents. Yet, it's still as we were warned. Still more earthquakes. The why is unimportant.

We've seen several false prophets (starting with that Waco Loser, David Koresh). Most just aren't the Hey, I'm the prophet (Tee Hee Hee, no I'm not) type. Most are babies born with deformaties, that other people say are gods among men, come to warn us of bad time,s and to usher in the good. Well, that's prophesizing right there. But they're not god born as man. They are deformed babies. Still, they are now false prophets. Not because they claim it, but because people claim them to be. Still, a false prophet is a false prophet. No matter who defines them as such. Just like we were warned.

So, yeah, all the sings are there. A distinct pattern has emerged. Just not the way people thought it would: Big miracles magically affecting us. There might be a scientific explanation, but when did god ever say science need not apply? Still, signs are signs, no matter if caused by divine intervention or man's choice/actions/nature just happening.

Love Is Louder

My video for Love Is Louder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x49gIsR3dDs

You Can't Reward Failure

Rewarding our kids for anything and everything is bad. You can't teach your kid that just doing the basics is enough. Rewarding a kid for just participating or being the suckiest loser around so they're precious feelings don't get hurt will not motivate them to do better. It teaches them to be adequate.

Between that and attacks on education with cuts and furloughs, no wonder Russia is about to surpass us as the space king, and China the major economic power. We taught our kids to barely even try, and gave them no proper education. Of course we're the lowest of the low for education. You get surpassed by not trying. We taught our kids to only give the 1% necessary to prove an effort was sort of, kind of made. That barely doing anything was more than enough.

Look where it got us. Nobody's giving us rewards for being such schmoes. We're just being surpassed, because nobody tries. Nobody can try. They're all too stupid from lack of a proper education.

But hey, at least our kids don't feel bad about being such losers now. We taught them it's OK to fail.

End Times Watch Update

A blood-red moon hung in the black sky on the darkest night of the year the night of Dec. 20. 2 years and a bit before the end. The timing's a bit off, but we were warned. It's all coming true, if not exactly as promised (man's poor interpretation?) Another sign has arrived. There's still time. Love is the solution. Enough with letting hate rule us.

Can Science Explain god?

All myths are based in reality. Even for god/jesus. Science can back a lot of it up. I don't know if any of it did happen, but it could have. Female animals have given birth/laid viable eggs with no male genetic code. Could not Mary be the only known human to do this? And since such a process is possible, could not a "magic sky man" make it happen in a human?

Is it even magic? Any technology significantly advanced enough is indistinguishable from magic.

Light exists in X-rays, ultraviolt, etc. Is it that infathomible for a sentient life form to exist only in such spectrums? Or in another plane of reality from our own? And still interact with ours? Just because we can't interact with with another, doesn't mean we're not interactable. Especially with the right advanced technology.

Just because you can't throw god onto a table and poke and prod him, doesn't mean he's not real. Just because he's not an Earth based life form doesn't make him any less real. "There's more in Heaven and on Earth than in your philosphies." Just because we can't do it, or understand it, doesn't make it any less real.

Walking On The Ceiling

Ever wonder what life would be like if we lived on the ceiling? With all those vaulted ceilings and such, not fun at all. Annoying stepping over them.

The 1950s Home

(My funny comments in ()'s.)

A lot has changed in 50 years...

The following is from a 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls: "How to prepare for married life."

(AKA how to be a slave).

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

(Actually, this is a good idea. Planning ahead does allow time to get all the necessary ingredients, and gives your family something to look forward to each day.)

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

(Be a lot gay. Men love women on women action. So grab your bestie or identical twin sister and have at her. Trust me, his day won't be the only thing lifting. If he's lucky, your man might even get to join in.)

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

(Yes, men love neat and organized main house parts. Not those extra parts, leave them filthy and disorderly.)

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

(Like a dog at a dog show.)

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

(Don't kiss him. Actually, leave the appliances running, so we know you actually did do work that day.)

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

(His boss bitching that he was late with the Smith report, for instance.)

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

(OK, seriously? He can't take his own shoes off? It can be done with one foot apiece. Why not wipe his butt while your at it?)

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

(HA! Like a man can ever get a word in edgewise.)

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

(And his need to be a lazy cheapskate.)

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

(Unlike you, who has no time to relax at all. And guys wonder why women always seem to have "headaches".)

I Wirte Like

I write like
Arthur Clarke

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Money & Happiness

Money can buy happiness. It's just that you've got to always keep making payments on it. And buying all options and upgrade packages.