Everything I Need In Life I Learned From Soaps

Always look before entering an elevator. Or else you might discover your life was actually a soap opera, and worst, you were a very unpopular character. In your own life.

When you get into trouble, blame it on your heretofore unmentioned evil twin.

Guys: Always wear protection when sleeping with your lady. She's been with at least 2 other guys before you.

Guys: Always get a paternity test. See above for why.

Gals: Your guy is the perfect person for you, except in bed.

Gals: If you ever break down and sleep with a guy you can't stand, start prepping that nursery.

Gals: Always expect your guy to want a paternity test, especially if the above just happened.

No matter how bad things may get, they will get worse.

No one should ever fear death. Only permanent things can be scary.

If you get injured, walk it off. You're almost certainly not in a fatal condition.

Chances are, your friends will become your enemies, and your enemies, your friends.

Find a highly adaptive phone plan. See above.

The more you can't stand a member of the opposite sex, the sooner you'll be kissing/having sex/becoming an item.

Crime so pays.

Who ever heard of a guilty lawbreaker?

Be friendly to everyone of the opposite sex. Sooner or later you'll be going out/married.

Elizabeth Taylor and Larry King are actually role models for relationships. Learn well, and you'll have more marriages then they did.

Kids are seldom seen or heard outside of summer months.

Little kids grow up so fast. Why just yesterday, that strapping young adult was a toddler.

Plastic Surgeons are truly evil. Always sneaking into homes to perfect their art on unsuspecting people.

People are so unobservant, the above always goes unnoticed.

That big major corporation run by that wealthy prominent family is pure evil. Avoid doing business with them at all costs.

Every Nov., Feb., and May, expect major crisis's to arise.

Expect the fall out from the above to change everything.

People literally do vanish into thin air, and are always forgotten.

Be wary of any strange people who come to town and are interested in you. They're probably your child you never knew or gave away.

When you fall in love, expect either to fall for someone else, or for someone else to fall for your mate.

No wedding goes off without a hitch. Especially in Nov., Feb., or May. Avoid those months to minimize the lunacy.